285: Live a Life True to Yourself - with Kristen Becker
Kristen is a certified neuro-linguistic programming practitioner mindset specialist, trained under Bob Proctor curriculum developer, college professor, and passionate life enthusiastic. She brings all of these skills and experiences to help people define and live their vision in life. Not box-checking goals, but vision, the kind of vision that makes your heart leap, sets your soul on fire and makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning.
What made you so passionate about empowering others to define and live their vision in life?
Honestly, not doing it myself. Basically, I did what I think a lot of people do which is I spent a lot of time doing what I was taught, which I thought was going to make my life fulfilling. I found myself literally sitting in this "perfect life," where everybody was like, "Yay, look at you, you're great," and I was thinking, "Should I tell them that this sucks," or like, "This isn't fulfilling," and I was afraid to admit that to myself and then to other people. It took this like, kind of peeling flesh from the bone process socially and emotionally and spiritually inside myself, to realize I'm just gonna do it, I'm gonna do the stuff that really makes me happy and feel good and excited, and let the chips fall where they may. Luckily, it all worked out and I've learned a lot, the hindsight is 2020. So now I like to support people in taking that journey for themselves because I think that the quality of our lives should be of our most importance and a priority to us.
I recently heard a quote on Clubhouse which said, "You have to fill your cup before you can fill other people's cups," and that really resonated with me, because we all constantly give, but we're not necessarily taking care of ourselves first and it sounds like that's exactly what you did and you help others do that as well.
Yeah, and something I like to share because it had such a pivotal impact for me is a book by a hospice nurse named Bronnie Ware called Regrets of The Dying. It was really fascinating because she chronicled the most frequently heard regrets. So these are things where people would say I wish I would have done this. The most frequently heard regret was "I wish I would have had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not what others wanted from me." When I heard that it really validated all of those secret fears that I just told you about, I was like, "That's it, that's my thing!" Then I thought to myself that I'm not gonna be that person, I'm gonna be sitting there at the end of the show going, "That was epic, you guys!"
I imagine that you had to disappoint some individuals to get to where you are today, tell us about that a little bit.
That's my favorite thing to let people know because it's okay to disappoint other people. Just like what you said about filling your cup first, or applying the oxygen mask to yourself before assisting others. Disappointing people is part of that process and usually, it's some of the most important relationships in your life. So people will be nervous about doing that, but the funny thing is, my experience has been and I don't like to be too specific sometimes because I'm not trying to criticize other people or their intentions, but the funny thing is after the fact once you get through that painful process of disappointing them, they usually come back back around and say, you know, you're my hero, or I'm so happy for you, or I'm so glad for you. I like to share that with people too because if that's what gets you through that challenge, it's worth it.
What are the top challenges that people face when pivoting in life and setting out to live a life that really speaks to their soul?
Fear is number one because there are all these outside influences we feel such as, disappointing people, and wondering if people are going to support me changing gears. Then there's self-identity where you have to let people know that this is where your heart is at and this is the direction you want to go in. Then practically: How in the world do I do it? Where do I start? What steps do I take? There are systems, the best system is, quote, the one that works for you. The one I like to use is to chart a course; define your destination, your milestones, the action steps that need to be taken to each milestone, and just breaking it down so it's not intimidating. You're looking a month ahead, not you know, three years ahead.
Can you share with our listeners one of your most successful or favorite networking experiences that you've had?
Absolutely. The favorite networking experience that I've had, I've had now three times. It consists of engaging with either an individual or small group routinely. In most cases, for me, that's been Monday through Friday, but it still works if it's only once a week or even if it's just once a month. But maintaining this thread of connection with people and understanding what they're working on, and then what you're working on and ways that you can support each other. So it's like a more extended relationship-building style of networking.
What do you do with the people outside of that group and how do you best stay in front of them and nurture your network?
Well right now, social media is huge. Groups I found to be very valuable. I tend to join a lot of groups and then you just see which ones resonate with you, where there are people that you enjoy, you find you can contribute to, and are asking great questions. So I've got a couple of groups that have been very beneficial to me.
What advice would you offer the business professional who's looking to grow their network?
I think to be aware of your intentions going into it. Previously, I used trial and error and I kind of did the whole throw as much against the wall as you can, well, that's just exhausting. If I were to break it down: Brainstorm and plan where are some good places for me to connect with good people. Engage authentically and give to give it an opportunity and see what's really there for you. Then reflect, you can't invest yourself in everything and every networking opportunity. Maybe even keep a spreadsheet so that you're applying your energy in a focused and productive way for everybody. Just really making sure that there is mutual value in every group you join.
If you could go back to your 20-year-old self, what would you tell yourself to do more or less of or differently with regards to your professional career?
Believe in it, like disappointing people and getting over those challenges of meaning to myself, this is who I am, this is what I'm passionate about. Then take a chance on yourself. I think everything we do has value and plays into where we are so I don't regret anything. However, if I could, I definitely would whisper in my own ear, "Hey girl, all that stuff you've been thinking about other people are thinking about it to go talk about it."
Who would be one person that you'd love to connect with and do you think you could do it within the sixth degree?
I had a fantasy about this because I love to visualize and imagine I am just crazy about Jason Silva. His angle is really that you have to fill your life with all and all is everywhere. He's just like me passionate about living and he does a great job of motivating, explaining, pontificating and I think what I want to do is I want to go camping with him because you can learn so much to go camping with somebody and have dinner over a fire. I really need to do some investigative work as to the six degrees of separation. However, I have a tip for everybody that I have not yet deployed and I think I'm honestly going to do it today. What you do is you put in the signature block of your email so that literally every person you communicate with sees this down at the bottom. Include something like this "Hey you guys, I am really interested in having a conversation with Jason Silva." I'm bold enough now in my self-assurance that I'd say I want to go camping with the guy. Does anybody know anybody who knows anybody? Don't be shocked over the course of time how people might pop up and say, "Hey, I actually have a connection."
Do you have any final advice to offer our listeners with regards to growing and supporting your network?
Authenticity and mutual benefit is never going to backfire ever on you and it always grows. Also, another thing that's been on my mind because of a book I've been reading and is the idea of latent potential that you are doing work for a period of time before you hit this turn in the curve where it just swings up and go straight to the top. So as I said earlier, plan and reflect and know where to focus, but also recognize that latent potential and believe in your efforts during that period, and wait with faith that is all coming to something really good for you.
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